This short piece was originally written for Mile High Hockey to commemorate the start of the 2013/14 NHL season. Read it with tongue firmly embedded in cheek.
|New Colorado Avalanche head coach remedies a bout of cupearitis.|
The worst team in the history of hockey, the Colorado Avalanche, are set to open their season against the Anaheim Ducks tonight. The unfortunate event will take place at the Pepsi Center, at 19:30 MT (21:30 ET, 02:30 BST), and be the regular season debut of new rookie head coach Patrick "Wah" Roy, who replaces “No Emotion” Joe Sacco, as well as the debut of first overall bust Nathan “Soon To Be Waived” MacKinnon. Roy, who requires treatment for cupearitis, enters the league with experience in the QMJHL, a hockey league so devoid of talent, it needs to compensate by adding extra letters to its name. His record in the league was impressive, but who cares. MacKinnon, meanwhile, succeeds Sidney “Kobasew” Crosby as the most-hyped player to enter the NHL as a first overall pick. MacKinnon grew up in the same town as Crosby and played in the same junior league, which has led to speculation that he is merely Crosby in a blonde wig.
MacKinnon will also succeed the Haliburton country groupie Matt “Absolut” Duchene and Swedish hair model Gabriel “Country Forest” Landeskog as the highest draft pick in Avalanche history (Duchene went third, Landeskog went second, and MacKinnon went first). However, that is set to change, as the club and league are currently in talks to negotiate their selection of the negative-first overall pick in next year's draft, in which the team will select which Avalanche player to send to the North Pole in search of the missing Stanley Cup rings Roy lost around the same time he contracted cupearitis. Likely candidates are Jamie “Ping” McGinn the Fat I and “Smooth” John Mitchell the Fat II, although some have expressed fears that natives may mistake their blubber for that of whales, giving birth to a deadly blood sport centred on hunting overweight hockey players for their lucrative blubber. Both Avalanche management and the league have attempted to downplay these fears in recent days by pointing to rival leagues’ abundance of athlete blubber. The National Fatmen’s League has been a particular highlight. These assurances nevertheless have done little to stave off these fears, specifically because of a long-standing general consensus that the NFL’s fatties are inferior to those of the NHL. Indeed, NHL czar, Gary “Skinny Penguin” Bettman once bragged about the NHL’s superior blubber, which is kept fresh on ice, while the NFL has increasingly trended toward storing its blubber in warm, domed environments. With hockey players’ blubber at a premium, the Avalanche may very well prefer to draft Matt “Zoom Zoom Say No More” Hunwick, whose lack of girth has been criticised by blubber aficionados for years.
Stanley Cup predictions for the Avalanche start at ∞/1, an improvement over last season’s ∞lockout/1. Should they win, the universe will implode.